Perhaps the most conflicting part of being in the atheist closet is the participation in religion when one is without belief.
While I still "had" my faith, there were certainly aspects that would give me cause to cringe or sigh, but they had few lasting effects (unless you count their contribution to my eventual lack of faith, in which case, I suppose that's a pretty damn lasting effect).
These days I still attend a Catholic Mass, primarily for the benefit of my girlfriend; she provides the music each week and is honestly one of the few redeeming features of that particular congregation.
The issue however, is that participation within a Mass requires vocal adherence to the faith and dogma - every damned "amen", just about every communal prayer is a pronouncement of one's belief and promise honour one's faith.
Certainly, I could sidestep the question of my presence there - "Oh, I'm just there for the girl. Oh, I'm there because it's something familiar, something from my upbringing", and perhaps those might have some truth to them.
But the fact remains - I'm taking part in a ceremony in which I have no right to take part.
If I refuse to participate, I can't hide the fact I no longer believe. But in participating, I'm a hypocrite. I don't fear reprisal from the heavens, obviously - but when I speak the Apostles' Creed or take communion, I know that I don't believe it.
The attendance isn't really so much an issue (for the reasons above), and in a strange way I sort of indulge in the cringeworthy homilies or theological faux pas undertaken by the resident priest (he's somewhat old fashioned, I'm decidedly not).
But having to participate 2-3 times a month in a ritual of belief and faith, when I have no belief or faith is starting to seem absurd. It's somehow disrespectful to those who do believe, despite the fact they have no idea I don't.
The whole scenario is utterly alien to me, but it's been going on for months now, and still doesn't feel any more acceptable. Even worse, years of Mass attendance has conditioned me - I have to actually concentrate to avoid saying various responses or prayers, on the odd occassion I can do so unnoticed.
Strangely, the "alone time to pray in your head" parts of the Mass are perfectly fine - I've somewhat adjusted to this as an opportunity to sort my head out and run through various problems (the absence of a god to pray to during times of desolation has not, however, been as easy - I'll post on that another time).
In the meantime, I'll just carry on taking part in this peculiar act, while envying the people who still have their faith and the ones who never had it to begin with.
