Perhaps the most conflicting part of being in the atheist closet is the participation in religion when one is without belief.
While I still "had" my faith, there were certainly aspects that would give me cause to cringe or sigh, but they had few lasting effects (unless you count their contribution to my eventual lack of faith, in which case, I suppose that's a pretty damn lasting effect).
These days I still attend a Catholic Mass, primarily for the benefit of my girlfriend; she provides the music each week and is honestly one of the few redeeming features of that particular congregation.
The issue however, is that participation within a Mass requires vocal adherence to the faith and dogma - every damned "amen", just about every communal prayer is a pronouncement of one's belief and promise honour one's faith.
Certainly, I could sidestep the question of my presence there - "Oh, I'm just there for the girl. Oh, I'm there because it's something familiar, something from my upbringing", and perhaps those might have some truth to them.
But the fact remains - I'm taking part in a ceremony in which I have no right to take part.
If I refuse to participate, I can't hide the fact I no longer believe. But in participating, I'm a hypocrite. I don't fear reprisal from the heavens, obviously - but when I speak the Apostles' Creed or take communion, I know that I don't believe it.
The attendance isn't really so much an issue (for the reasons above), and in a strange way I sort of indulge in the cringeworthy homilies or theological faux pas undertaken by the resident priest (he's somewhat old fashioned, I'm decidedly not).
But having to participate 2-3 times a month in a ritual of belief and faith, when I have no belief or faith is starting to seem absurd. It's somehow disrespectful to those who do believe, despite the fact they have no idea I don't.
The whole scenario is utterly alien to me, but it's been going on for months now, and still doesn't feel any more acceptable. Even worse, years of Mass attendance has conditioned me - I have to actually concentrate to avoid saying various responses or prayers, on the odd occassion I can do so unnoticed.
Strangely, the "alone time to pray in your head" parts of the Mass are perfectly fine - I've somewhat adjusted to this as an opportunity to sort my head out and run through various problems (the absence of a god to pray to during times of desolation has not, however, been as easy - I'll post on that another time).
In the meantime, I'll just carry on taking part in this peculiar act, while envying the people who still have their faith and the ones who never had it to begin with.
I have the same issue. My dad usually drags me to church when I'm home for holidays, and for reasons I don't can't quite explain, I drag myself there on Ash Wednesdays and Easter. I always find the responses disturbing, particularly "It is right to give Him thanks and praise." That's a loaded statement, and so many people just repeat it blandly... it's scary and kind of 1984-esque. The God in which I believe doesn't require thanks and praise.
ReplyDeleteI also don't believe in transubstantiation, so that always gives me trouble. I feel like I'm being rude (even if nobody knows it) by accepting communion, but I feel like the odd man out if I refuse it.
I have to admit, though, that on the odd occasions I've had a chance to attend my local Anglican church, I've really enjoyed it. Sure, the responses are disturbingly similar to Catholic ones, but the homilies are vastly different. At least at the church I sometimes attend here, the reverend is (to a recovering Catholic) radically liberal, and much more insightful than a (possibly) celibate dude who, by nature of his job, can likely have little to no real understanding of what it is to live in the world. Also, I don't have to feel so guilty about the transubstantiation thing, because they don't believe that crap either.
That said, if you don't believe in God, no church service is going to make you happy. You must really like your girlfriend a lot.